Very Mary-Kate

1. Moving Out

Air Date: 2010-01-31

I get a new place. Ash looks totes fugly - ugh - I mean tired in this one. Wardrobe provided by Donna Karen.

2. Moving Day

Air Date: 2010-01-31

My bodyguard is responsible for everything related to my body, including moving the stuff I surround my body with.

3. Bodyguard

Air Date: 2010-01-31

Got legit sick filming this. Didn’t sleep for 48 hrs. Not cuz of drugs, you haters, b/c I’m an effing method actor.

4. Baby

Air Date: 2010-01-31

I consider getting a baby. At least I think that’s what happens. It’s been a while since I read the script.

5. Baby Daddy

Air Date: 2010-02-08

Bodyguard flat out refuses to be my daddy baby, so I flat out threaten to steal his sperm.

6. Depressed

Air Date: 2010-03-01

I’m tired of waiting around for that special someone to have a baby for me.

7. Hangover

Air Date: 2010-03-01

I learn never to drive drunk. Especially when driving a blimp.

8. Fight

Air Date: 2010-03-01

I know to get emotional when the piano music kicks in.

9. Philip Seymour Hoffman

Air Date: 2010-03-13

I get acting lessons from the Academy Award-winning creep-o.

10. Cat

Air Date: 2010-04-04

I decide to get a cat rather than have a baby because it’s more expensive.

11. Back to School

Air Date: 2010-04-04

I’m going back to college to get my The Bachelor degree.

12. Extension

Air Date: 2010-04-11

Can I have an extension on that paper I have to write? I have to learn how to write.

13. Paper

Air Date: 2010-04-11

I ended up getting an “F” for “F”-ort.

14. Crush

Air Date: 2010-04-18

It’s just a little crush and I throw up a little every time they touch.

15. Ashleyguard

Air Date: 2010-04-18

But Ashley doesn’t have nipple hair!

16. Nightmare

Air Date: 2010-04-26

Quiet, Evil Dragon, I’m trying to write a description!

17. Zac Efron

Air Date: 2010-04-29

A date with Zac Efron? Zac Ef yes!

18. Philip Seymour Hoffman 2

Air Date: 2010-05-03

Is this about all those blimps I crashed? Because I keep telling you guys, I don’t care.

19. Gun

Air Date: 2010-05-03

Do you feel lucky, Bodyguard? Are you a Luckyguard?

1. Recap

Air Date: 2010-10-12

OMG you guys! I’m back! Did you miss me?

2. Clone

Air Date: 2010-10-14

Comet is back! Thank you, science!

3. Cheating

Air Date: 2010-10-19

Cheating is so hard! I need to learn how to cheat at it.

4. Woody Allen

Air Date: 2010-10-21

Amir guest stars as Mary-Kate’s Godfather.

5. Trick-or-Treat

Air Date: 2010-10-26

Tricking is less calorific than treating.

6. Hoffmoween

Air Date: 2010-10-28

Phil Hoffman’s scariest as himself.

7. Excuses

Air Date: 2010-11-02

My dog ate this video description.

8. Presentation

Air Date: 2010-11-04

The best presentation in the history of history class.

9. Driving

Air Date: 2010-11-09

Learning to drive is as easy as eating pie. It’s very hard.

10. Woody Allen 2

Air Date: 2010-11-11

Where there’s a will, there’s a way too talkative.

11. Naked

Air Date: 2010-11-16

Bodyguard’s in his birthday suit.

12. Fired

Air Date: 2010-11-18

Bodyguard gets a pink slip. Oooooh, pink!

13. Hired

Air Date: 2010-11-23

One girl’s trash is another girl’s bodyguard.

14. Photo Shoot

Air Date: 2010-11-30

A face that only her sister could love.

15. Bath

Air Date: 2010-12-02

Rub-a-dub-dub, Ashley wants some love.

16. Presentation 2

Air Date: 2010-12-07

I put my Louisiana Purchase on my Amex.

17. Conference

Air Date: 2010-12-09

Bodyguard and Professor go head-to-fat-head.

18. Sexy Time

Air Date: 2010-12-14

Ashley won’t take gross for an answer.

19. Sick

Air Date: 2010-12-16

It’s not bulimia when you haven’t eaten.

20. Confession

Air Date: 2010-12-21

Mary-Kate gets D and dirty with G almighty.

21. Church

Air Date: 2010-12-28

The lord is my shepherd, but lambswool makes me itchy.

22. Vegas (1)

Air Date: 2011-01-04

23. Vegas (2)

Air Date: 2011-01-06

24. Vegas (3)

Air Date: 2011-01-11

Deserts are even scarier than desserts.

25. Vegas (4)

Air Date: 2011-01-13

Mary-Kate tweets her way to safety.

26. Gold Rush

Air Date: 2011-01-18

Is a gold rush when Tiffany’s has a sale?

27. Presentation 3

Air Date: 2011-01-20

Always present on an empty stomach.

1. Raise Your Hand

Air Date: 2011-12-01

I can’t raise my hand. I’m allergic to effort.

2. Magazines

Air Date: 2011-12-08

Magazines are sooo heavy. Especially the ones with pictures of fat people.

3. Jetlag

Air Date: 2011-12-15

Can’t sleep? Count sheepskin boots.

4. Santa

Air Date: 2011-12-22

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house… I was shuffling around chain smoking and trying on different shoes.

5. Presentation 4

Air Date: 2012-01-06

War – what is it good for? Cute uniforms.

6. Jewish Looking Girl

Air Date: 2012-01-12

She’s a rock star of David.

7. Layers

Air Date: 2012-01-19

It’s freezing cold under all these layers.

8. Call My Phone

Air Date: 2012-01-26

Sing along! Actually no, just find my phone.

9. Trenta

Air Date: 2012-02-02

Start the morning with a gallon of joe.

10. Evil Dragon

Air Date: 2012-02-09

It’s always the bodyguard you least suspect.

11. Police

Air Date: 2012-02-17

I fought the law and the law was a jerk face.

12. Mug Shot

Air Date: 2012-02-23

Is this the duckface of a criminal?

13. Jail

Air Date: 2012-03-08

Mary-Kate deals with life in the slammer.

14. Dishwasher

Air Date: 2012-03-15

Mary-Kate loves shiny appliances! And by that she means sweaty laborers.

15. Pillow Talk

Air Date: 2012-03-22

Mary-Kate and Bodyguard may have effed up and effed.

16. Sex and Sexuality (Very Maggie Smith)

Air Date: 2012-04-01

Butler stays abreast of Maggie Smith’s love life.

17. Sleeping in Class

Air Date: 2012-04-05

Mary-Kate goes to sleep to the soothing sounds of a yelling professor.

18. Professor’s Presentation

Air Date: 2012-04-12

Mary-Kate sabotages Professor in front of the school board.

19. Slumber Party

Air Date: 2012-04-19

First one to fall asleep gets a hand in warm Pellegrino.

20. Pills

Air Date: 2012-04-26

Take once per day with a picture of food.

21. Comet

Air Date: 2012-05-03

Mary-Kate’s cat meows out against drugs.

22. Draw Something

Air Date: 2012-05-10

Mary-Kate challenges Bodyguard to some 1am Pictionary.

23. The Case of the Cracked Cup (Very Maggie Smith 2)

Air Date: 2012-05-24

When Maggie Smith’s teacup goes handle-less, everyone’s a suspect.

24. Summer House

Air Date: 2012-05-31

Mary-Kate gets lost indoors and has to crack out her survival skills.

1. Manicure

Air Date: 2013-01-24

Mary-Kate’s nail art should hang in a museum.

2. Lost in Translation

Air Date: 2013-01-31

Mary-Kate makes a French connection.

3. Breaking Up

Air Date: 2013-02-07

Mary-Kate is torn between her muscleman and her Frenchman.

4. Dinner with Hoffman

Air Date: 2013-02-14

The Oscar creeper sabotages Mary-Kate and Sarkozy’s date.

5. Instagram

Air Date: 2013-02-21

Who wants daiquiris??? #nofilter

6. Evaluations

Air Date: 2013-03-07

Mary-Kate writes her teacher evaluations, and Fat Professor forms a rebuttal.

7. Shrooms

Air Date: 2013-03-13

Mary-Kate and Jewish-Looking Girl trip into friendship.

8. Conference Call

Air Date: 2013-03-21

Mary-Kate needs help with a homework assignment, and enlists the help of everyone she knows.

9. Drinking Game

Air Date: 2013-03-28

Mary-Kate creates her own drinking game, and quickly gets sick of it.

10. Bad Connection

Air Date: 2013-04-11

Bodyguard and Mary-Kate’s relationship takes a turn for the staticky.

11. Presentation 5

Air Date: 2013-04-18

Mary-Kate gives a presentation about the Wig Party.

12. Diamonds Are My Only Friends

Air Date: 2013-04-25